Women over 40

from 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few
reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,
'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over
40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at
the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away
with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far
sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You
don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman
over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of
himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

What is a husband?

What Is a HUSBAND?

A real husband is a woman's best friend. He will never standher up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feelsinsecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to dothings she never thought she could do; to live without fear andforget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions andgive in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she alwaysfeels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and willenable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible ...
.... No wait...

I'm thinking of alcohol.
(todays funny via Eileen, thanks sis)

Subject: $20.00

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Wayne, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heart throb noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said.... ..."Clean my house."
received from Jim via email

The Next Survivor Series

Six married men
will be dropped on an island

with one car

and 3 kids each

for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports
and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must

take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
complete science projects,
cook,
do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition,

each man
will have to budget enough money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends andrelatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child
to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduledand
inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.

He must also make cookies orcupcakes
for a school function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside,and keeping it
presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television

when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave theirlegs,

wear makeup daily,

adorn themselveswith jewelry,

wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

keep fingernails polished,

and eyebrows groomed

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe
abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings
but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings

and church,
and find time at least once to spend
the afternoon at the park or a similar
setting.


They will need to read a book to the kids eachnight

and in the morning,

feed them,

dress them,
brush their teethand
comb their hair
by 7:30 am.


A test will be given

at the end of the six weeks,

and each father will be required to know

all of the following information:
each child's
birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,
and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...
he still
has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.


If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!

Sent via email from Lynn.. Thanks! LOL

fun facts

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.. It's like a human jumping the lengthof a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain..
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

fast facts -> your body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.(are you kidding?)

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

(via email from Eileen - thanks for the laugh sis)

THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride..

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade'...

(email from Jim, the anti-fb brother)